Here is your February Floozy!
51313 Harbor Street
Thursday, February 08, 2024
Friday, November 10, 2023
Friday, October 27, 2023
Tuesday, October 24, 2023
Wednesday, August 02, 2023
Up, down, middle
Life isn’t gangbusters of awesomeness usually. Life is what it is: sometimes up, sometimes down, a lot of time in the middle. It’s learning to live in the middle that so many of us find hard. We rise to the occasion when confronting a crisis or an emergency. We behave brilliantly, bravely, and benevolently. But it’s the day-to-day life that’s hard and grinds on us. Most people break at the endlessly getting out of bed each morning to confront life’s little annoyances and battles. That’s what we find tough. That’s how we know if we’re a sprinter or a long-distance runner.
I hope you’re the latter, because sprinters may be fast, but this life is long. It is the ones who can keep going, step by step, mile by mile, day by day, year by year... they finish the race. I hope I’m a long-distance runner.
I try to be. I try to stay busy. I try to keep putting one foot in front of another. Keep my eyes on the road. Don’t get distracted. Don’t lose focus. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose courage. Don’t fail. Believe, believe, believe.
It’s a lot of pressure, and I think that’s why some people falter. They drink or take drugs or have crazy sex. They cheat on their spouses, neglect their children, and waste their lives seeking a thrill to fill the holes in their lives. They think happiness is a destination rather than the journey itself.
It’s learning to take joy in the journey. We have to do that if we’re going to survive and flourish. It’s the secret to happiness, contentment, and fulfillment. For some – like me – finding that joy is easier with God’s help. Others choose another path, but finding that path is essential.
It's how we become fully human.
Tuesday, August 01, 2023
In the sky
Have you ever just taken a few minutes to watch the clouds drift across the sky? Some people see shapes... dragons, animals, horses cars... what they're looking for, I think. But I don't see anything. My imagination doesn't work like that. Instead, the sky fills me up until there's nothing of me left. No thoughts, no worries, no me. Just the clouds and winds and sun.
Starry nights do that to me, too. I can look into the darkness punctuated with pinpricks of lights, and the vastness inside me expands. It's a weird feeling ‒ or it is after I've stopped experiencing it ‒ but when I'm in the moment, it doesn't feel weird. It feels... expectant. Like I'm waiting for something to raise its head and look at me. You'd think that would be frightening, but it's not. It's anticipation. A strange anticipation.I've mentioned this to other people before, but I've never met anyone who felt the same way. I'm sure someone does in this world with millions of people. Maybe in China or maybe just someone I don't know. Maybe in the next house. I'd like to meet them, though. I'd like to find out how they feel. And talk with them about that vast creature out there. Ask them when we look at the sky, what are we expecting? What's coming for us out of that blackness between the stars?
And why aren't we afraid? That might be the most important question of all.
Tuesday, May 09, 2023
Our AI pal
Excerpt from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth
Monday, May 08, 2023
Bigfooting around
From the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth
Friday, April 07, 2023
"The Mystery of Saint Etienne"
"The Mystery of Saint Etienne"
Between reason and faith, we make our way through a hard world with edges sharp enough to wound the unwary. Oh Lord, guide our steps.
Faith is what we hold, a lamp to light our way and to let blind eyes see. Oh Lord, let Your light shine on us.
Between what is and what should be, we are stretched, a cord between two black horses. Oh Lord, send to us Your mercy.
Heaven is our hope in this world without hope. Oh Lord, may we bring hope as You brought hope unto us.
Between the precipice and the fall, we take faltering steps, children lost in the dark woods. Oh Lord, give us a lodestone that points to You.
Here we stand unclean in our souls and dark of hearts. Oh Lord, send to us Your cleansing rain.
Oh Lord, we are fallen but You lift us up.
Oh Lord, we are scattered but You gather us.
Oh Lord, we are unworthy but You take us.
We raise hands to You, a thousand tongues give unto You praise, and the rocks and hills and dales resound with voices that cry,
Hosanna,
Hosanna,
Hosanna.
(Copyright by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)
Thursday, March 30, 2023
Three men talking
So three men are talking about how they want to be remembered at their funerals.
The first man says, "I want people to say that I took care of my family and friends."
The second man says, "I want people to say I made the world into a better place."
The third man says, "I want them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving! He's alive! Get him out of there!'"
Thursday, December 15, 2022
A proposition
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late Christmas Eve night when Satan appeared before her.
The Devil told her, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."The lawyer pondered this, then finally asked: "So, what's the catch?"
Tuesday, December 13, 2022
Stormy weather
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied General George, the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded General George. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"
Monday, December 12, 2022
Trouble!
(A Christmas Joke that always gets me in trouble...but I'm tellin' it anyway!)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Saturday, December 10, 2022
Can't drive 55
"What?!" Alice looks shocked. "I'm driving?! I thought you were!"
Friday, December 09, 2022
Prepare yourselves
This guy goes into his dentist's office because something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy smokes! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with Hollandaise sauce on it, and it was DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting the sauce on everything—meat, meat, fish, toast, vegetables—you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Thursday, December 08, 2022
Ho-Ho-BANG!
Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn't the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn’t his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out of control as the killer strikes again and again.
As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives in this suspenseful sequel to Murder by Dewey Decimal.
Saturday, December 03, 2022
Lepidopterology
Friday, December 02, 2022
Does Martha Stewart know?
Thursday, December 01, 2022
"Clothed & Happy"
Have you seen that TV show Naked And Afraid on the Discovery Channel? It’s a (so-called) reality show where they drop two total strangers—a man and a woman—into a harsh wilderness environment with only one item apiece. Neither item is clothing.
You might think this is a recipe for hanky-panky or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but after a day or two with the couple being bitten and stung by hordes of hungry insects, sunburning in places the sun really shouldn’t get to, feeling ravenously hungry and desperately thirsty, having their bare skin slashed by vines and plants, limping on feet bleeding from thorns and bruised by rocks—hanky-panky is the last thing on their minds. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn the show is sponsored by the Clothing Manufacturers of America after seeing what clothes and shoes protect us from.
Of course, the Discovery Channel blurs what needs to be blurred; you’ve seen more skin at the beach or the lake. And since these are not supermodels, the skin you do see isn’t skin you’d necessarily want to see—if you can follow that.
“Experts” give them a Survival Rating at the start and end of the show. By choosing to participate in such an insane and life-threatening situation, it’s obvious the participants have the survival skills of deranged lemmings and the intelligence to match. I suspect their family trees are more like telephone poles.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back.
Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!
Wednesday, November 30, 2022
Louder!
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."Tuesday, November 29, 2022
Truth & Lies
A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
Friday, November 25, 2022
FORE!
After a bad game of golf, a club member was walking to the parking lot to get his car when a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well, your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield,” the policeman said. “The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and a building burned down. So what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and said, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb."
Monday, November 21, 2022
Have A Laugh!
Humorist Stephen B. Bagley returns with a collection of 80 more wild & wacky tales from his decidedly different life. Includes the fan favorites:
Spice Boy, A Tale of Two Goldfish, Tanning My Hide, Kindle the Barbarian, Much Ado About Carbs, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, Mr. Manners Speaks, The Terrible Truth About Women, and many more!
Don't miss the shocking Story of the Second Thanksgiving and the Pilgram exposé Pillorying: A Spectator Sport! Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!
Thursday, November 17, 2022
A Word from Our Sponsor
Saturday, November 12, 2022
Little Things
The Saints of Little Things
(Copyright 2022 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)
Friday, November 11, 2022
He has a plan
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he could be released.
The head of the institution decided to interview him first. "Tell me," said the head doctor, "if we release you, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The man said, "I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, which will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the patient. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences."
"An interesting possibility," said the head doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teapot."
Thursday, November 10, 2022
Necessary
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Cynthia Sue was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.
Cynthia Sue responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness—and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Wednesday, November 09, 2022
Ouch!
Out bicycling one day with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Joyce got a little wistful. "In ten years," Joyce said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
The granddaughter shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
Tuesday, November 08, 2022
Verify
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Monday, November 07, 2022
Swingin' through the trees
Saturday, November 05, 2022
A small misunderstanding
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said as he handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something, he asked, "What's the matter? Did you forget something?"
"Nope," replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
Thursday, November 03, 2022
Stormy weather
Wednesday, November 02, 2022
Somethin' to brag about
Shooting the breeze down at the cafe, a trio of veterans ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," said vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
Tuesday, November 01, 2022
A fair joke
A couple went to a fair. The husband, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
"$20 for 3 minutes," the pilot replied.
"That's too much," said the wife firmly.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your husband ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
Tuesday, September 13, 2022
The Spice of Life
We have a wide variety of writings in Journeys. It reflects the personalities and interests of the writers. Some might surprise you. They did me! For more info, visit https://prosateurs.blogspot.com
Monday, September 12, 2022
New Anthology Debuts!
"Journeys covers all sorts of travel,” says Stephen B. Bagley, Prosateurs president. “We have actual travel stories to enjoying new recipes to expanding our viewpoints with essays, memoirs, and devotionals as well as tales to let your imagination roam.”
Friday, July 22, 2022
In Over Their Heads
By Stephen B. Bagley
The librarian and the reporter are back! This time Bernard and Lisa stumble on the body of a local jeweler and ladies' man in an underground house. As the couple and Chief Donaldson investigate, they find themselves drawn into a confusing mystery of lies and alibis that involves the upper crust of Ryton, Oklahoma. Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn't the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn't his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out of control as the killer strikes again and again. As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives in this suspenseful sequel to Murder by Dewey Decimal.
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Thursday, July 21, 2022
Letter
Dear Fitness Coach,
You just told me that you enjoy exercise with complete sincerity in your voice. Listen, a man who can lie like that should go into politics. You're a natural for Congress.
Sincerely,
Me
Letter
Dear Fitness Coach,
You just told me that you enjoy exercise with complete sincerity in your voice. Listen, a man who can lie like that should go into politics. You're a natural for Congress.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, July 20, 2022
Mothra?
I wanted to share a conversation I had with a friend a while back and happened to think of today.
We were discussing monster movies and had wandered onto Godzilla® and the other kaiju. Knowing my love for those movies—and I do love them, but not the modern ones that attempt to make it "realistic," since Godzilla is 40 stories high and has radioactive breath so "realistic" shouldn't enter into the conversation—he talked about how Godzilla could represent the judgment of God on mankind for its selfish, destructive ways.
And then he said, "And Jesus, if He was a kaiju, would be Mothra®."
Note this because it doesn't happen often: I had nothing to say. I was too overwhelmed. Or horrified. I haven't worked it out yet.
Tuesday, July 19, 2022
"To a Fault"
Whenever something terrible happens, you should always ask yourself, “Is Stephen okay?” If so, then it’s not that terrible. At least not for me, and I’m sure we all agree that’s what’s really important. Naturally, I’m concerned about you, too, and will do anything to help you—as long as I’m not greatly inconvenienced or busy or my favorite shows aren’t on TV. I have to have priorities, which I know you understand because I’m such a high priority for you.
To a judgmental person, it might possibly sound like I’m self-absorbed, but let’s be honest, if you were as awesome as me—if that were even possible, and frankly, it’s not—you’d be self-absorbed, too. I’m definitely marvelous. People are fascinated by me, particularly doctors who want to study me in a specially controlled environment.
From Floozy Comes Back. Copyright 2018 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.
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Monday, July 18, 2022
Shopping Channel Therapy
People wonder why I watch shopping channels sometimes.
Easy answer: They are filled with enthusiastic and upbeat people ALL THE TIME.
Think about it. Your social media probably has many bad things on it: political fighting, diet suggestions that make a death march look like fun, recipes with enough fat to lubricate a diesel engine, passive-aggressive backstabbing, thoughtless and cruel memes, etc.
But none of that shows up on a shopping channel. In fact, if those people mention a problem--like not enough storage space or your hair is so unruly that it's actually causing riots in the streets--they only do so to tell you the solution.
A solution they will offer you.
With Affordable Payments and Easy Credit Terms.
Sunday, July 17, 2022
Big Table God
“Blessed is the man who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God.” ∽ Luke 14:15
My God is a Big Table God. He has an infinitely-sized table at which everyone is welcome, no matter skin color, ethnicity, looks, gender, denomination, political bend, environmental views, almost-anything-we-think-divides-us. It’s a huge table filled with good eats, and at this table, people are laughing and talking and sharing and they’re waiting for you.
Some people serve a Tiny Table God. You have to be the correct color, hold the correct political views, and be the correct gender to sit at that table. You have to be biased against the other people, all those who are different from the so-called correct. Your sins have to be the acceptable sins, the ones that they themselves might indulge in. All other people—they must stand by and starve as they watch the acceptable ones gorge themselves. The starving people might protest, but fortunately, a good-sized Bible makes a great club if a person wants to use it like that.That’s not the Big Table God.
That’s not my God.
It’s the Tiny Table God.
You might be familiar with the Tiny Table God. He’s vengeful, shallow, bigoted, judgmental, self-righteous, quick-to-anger, and terrible in His fury, the heavy-handed father whose children cringe at His approach. Because we’ve created so many gods in the past, we think this God should conform. He should support who we vote for, shower forgiveness only on those we find worthy, and grant prosperity and good health only to the right people. We loudly preach of His miracles, but in the same breath, we deny His endless grace, boundless mercy, and infinite power. He’s beyond our understanding, and we resent it and attempt to force Him into a box that we can control and understand. Except...God won’t be put into any human box.
No, he’s a Big Table God.
At His Big Table, you will see all sorts of people, many of whom might surprise you, but all of them are His children. Over there gather the Assembly of God and the Baptists, next to the Methodists and Episcopalians, and they’re sharing countless, marvelous casseroles. The Catholics offer fantastic Mexican and Italian dishes with plenty to share. Must not forget to mention the Latter Day Saints who never let an attendee to a church dinner go hungry. The Greek Orthodox are waving us over for dolma and moussaka. The Asian church folk graciously offer nikuman, pad krapow gai, and sinangag. So many nationalities, so different, but all the same at heart. They’re all part of the church of the Big Table. People are everywhere and sharing everything, including warm hugs and lots of true love. There’s singing and talking and endless introductions to people who are delighted to know the real you.
But of course, you know who’s sitting at the head of the table, the Host of All Creation. He’s smiling and laughing, and He’s waiting for you to join Him.
He’s beckoning you over.
God is waiting for you.
"For God so loved (you) the world that He gave his one and only Son (Jesus Christ), that whoever believes in Him (you) shall not perish but have eternal life.” ∽ John 3:16.
Come sit at His table.